Now That I Need You Most
by Crystabel.Shalott
Summary: Snow sends Finnick Odair a client to District four. During the three days the client stays with him, a dramatic twist of events, that involves Annie, happens. "I should have been there with you, I should have been there despite the client, I should have been there when you needed me most" I don't know if she can hear me, but she has to know that we are going through this together.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: **The idea was given me by one of my friends. We just finished talking about 'Tess' and its pessimism when we started to talk about Finnick and Annie. Our argument about Odesta degenerated and this is the result. I hope you'll enjoy it!

The story is set between the ending of the 74th Hunger Games and the Quarter Quell announcement.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Prologue (Finnick's POV):

The seventy-fourth Annual Hunger Games finished yesterday. At this point of time I should already be on the train reaching home. Instead I am waiting outside President Snow's office. It is the second time in four years that I find myself here, waiting for him to be able to talk to me. I know exactly what this discussion is about. It is not really hard to guess since there is only one reason Snow would want to meet me with such an urgency: my job. He will most likely have set another 'season' of appointments between now and the night of the victory tour back in District Four, which means I will have to come again to the Capitol.

The last time I was here it was also about my job, with the big difference that I actually came here by choice. I came because I was ready to make a deal with the devil, I was ready to see a double charge of clients if it meant that Annie Cresta was safe and did not have to be sold as a sex slave, as it happens to many of us. She was, and still is, so frail, gentle and sweet that if she had to live that sort of life she would have definitely broken apart. I would have done anything, if it meant that Annie was safe and fine. She was not really fine, I admit that, the arena broke her beyond repair but at least she was free of this burden.

Things have changed so much, in many ways, that the last visit seems to have happened in another life time: there is a new world coming. The revolution started properly and now, after the seventy-fourth Annual Hunger Games it also has its leader, its symbol. _Soon, very soon._ I will be free, I will be able to marry Annie Cresta and to have our own _normal_ family. This thought makes me smile, and it takes a lot of effort not to grin like an idiot. Marry Annie is a fixed point inside my mind, I love her so much. We already live as a married couple but that piece of paper will make it official: I will be hers, and only hers, and she will be mine. She will be Annie Odair: her name just sounds perfect with my surname, as if it was always meant to happen. There will be no more clients, no more tears of shame and no more distances.

"Mr Odair, the President will see you now" A man, whom I presume is his left hand (strange that the President trusts someone) comes to call me. He is twenty minutes to late, but then again Snow loves to have control over the situation. Letting someone wait is just the perfect way to show his power over you: he makes the rules because he can. I get up and enter into the office. When I enter the smell of roses hits me, a smell so penetrating that it can make you feel sick but not strong enough to cover the odour of blood. Apparently he poisons all his opponents and drinks, to avoid suspect, from the same cup which with the years passing caused a permanent infection in his mouth. Thus the smell of blood. The story was told me by one of my clients, after a wild night.

_Secrets:_ they are even more powerful than money. It is never a big deal to learn them, after all I am only Finnick Odair, the Capitol's puppet and completely harmless. That is what they think, it isn't exactly the truth... Still, alone with the one I have gathered in nine years I could overthrow the Capitol: there is everything. Poison, Incest, Murder all of which regarding the élite.

"President Snow"

"Mr Odair, please sit" he indicates a chair in front of him. I do as he says.

"I have an announcement to make. I did a mistake: I let Seneca Crane became head game maker. He was a sentimental man, and we _both_ now that _sentiment_ is a chemical defect found on the losing side" he lingers on the words both and sentiment. He does it on purpose, he wants to keep the idea of Annie right straight in my mind. He wants to underline that until I care for someone I will always submit to him.

"Obviously" I say coldly

"And when men are guided by sentiment they all do stupid things. In your case it was doing everything you could to save Miss Cresta, in Mr Crane's it was allowing two victors. Now, the problem is exactly this: we have two victors. One of them consciously made an act of defiance against the system. You understand I cannot allow any contact between Miss Everdeen and the rest of you, her ideas might... influence you all"

Little he knows that hints of the rebellion, meetings, plots and plans started long before this games. I am quite sure of what comes next.

He continues without waiting for an answer. "This unfortunately prevents you from seeing your clients and we cannot allow this blow to our economy, there are already too many problems. You will see your clients back home in District Four, you will show them around and will continue your duties. If they don't want to see the District, you just do what they want you to do"

I feel like someone just hit me hard in the chest and I want to throw up. This is even worse than I imagined. I could have easily accepted to come again to the Capitol, I did that before, but I can't stand the thought of my clients coming home to me. Not back home, not there off all places not there. District four has always been a place of liberty, of refuge after the nightmare in the Capitol. It was the place I shared with Annie, our little world. I promised her that there my past didn't matter and she promised it to me. I will have to be the Capitol Finnick right under her eyes.

"Did you understand?"

"Yes. How many clients?"

"One, for three days. He paid a great amount of money and he was promised that he could do everything he wanted"

"He?" It is harder when my clients are men. I swallow hard.

"She. The rules are always the same: pay attention. Miss Cresta lives just next door: try to resist temptation. Have a good day"

"Mutual" I turn around and leave.

There is a visceral anger rising inside me. I could break something right here and now, possibly Snow's neck. I manage to control myself but once I am back on the train, heading home, I let all my anger out.

"Finnick! Where have you been?" asks Lily DeRosa, District four's escort, with a high-pitched voice.

"Out" I answer. I am not a child and it is really none of her business.

"Manners" She replies with an annoyed voice. Sometimes I tend to forget how frivolous Capitol citizens are, and it is something I shouldn't forget because I live it on my skin every year.

"To hell with manners!" I scream at her and walk to my room. Not respecting etiquette is really my last problem right now.

When I am alone in my room I scream for frustration and actually throw a glass vase against the wall: it crashes with a loud noise and shatters in a million of pieces, that fall on the floor

"Finnick Odair stop it now!" Mags screams at me, it is strange that she can actually articulate well what she is saying when she is is standing on the door frame, I did not even notice that she entered the room.

"Mags! I can't! Clients will come home to me! I can't do that to Annie. I can't go away and sleep with someone else right under her eyes". I feel like I could start crying for shame, right here and now.

"Finnick... It will be hard but you will manage both"

"Manage? Mags we intended to get married! I was supposed to be only hers!"

"You will, one day. But Finn calm down!"

She gets nearer and embraces me: it's like I am sixteen again, my family just died and Mags was the only one left to me. Mags was the one who gave me strength to get on living every day, to control my feelings, my rage when I came back from the Capitol.

"It's all right boy, things are going to settle"

I don't care about the future, I want them to settle now. I want to be left in peace, I want to be able to live a normal life with the girl I love. A normal life, something that most certainly doesn't include prostitution. I want to be only hers: be with her three-hundred and sixty-five days a year. Have children with her, but before that sleep only with her. Not with gruesome Capitol citizens who know nothing about love or tenderness or affection.

"When?"

"Soon"

"Soon is not enough"

"Finn, has it ever occurred to you that this might be Snow's punishment for you?"

"What?"

"That this is just to make sure everybody else is going to stay at their right place?"

It actually makes sense: making my clients come to District Four is a way to humiliate and put me and Annie back to our place, clearing our minds with any vague thoughts about a rebellion. It is his way to show that he still holds old the power, that he has control over all of us. It has always worked this way but this time it is actually more painful: one thing is to have to go to the Capitol and being sold there, one thing is being sold back home. As I already said there was a deal with Annie, a promise we made to each other when we eventually admitted our feelings and I told her the truth we thought us safe back home, our house became the only place in Panem were the past and the present did not matter. It was our world, and now Snow is dragging that away too.

"Do you think so?" I say lingering on the you. Mags judgement has always been very important to me: I trust her completely.

Mags nods in response, and gives me sad glance.

"How can I do it Mags? How can I do that to Annie, it always feels like I am cheating on her but this time it will be even worse. It will happen just next door"

"She know that it is not by your choice... She know that there are things in our lives we can't control... She knows that you love her"

"Sometimes I think all of this isn't enough"

"No it isn't. But for now it's all you can have and it is better than nothing"

"No it is not better, it's been five years that I am saying this to myself. Go on Finnick do this, sleep with random people it is for safety. A little is better than nothing. IT IS NOT" I scream.

"Don't scream at me" Mags scolds me.

"Sorry Mags. It's just I am so angry... She... I... We" I inhale and exhale deeply. The words Annie is pregnant are on the tip of my tongue. Annie is pregnant: I want to tell her that this is the real problem, but somehow I can't articulate the words. I am so sorry because Mags doesn't deserve to be held away from the truth but I fear that when she finds out she will get angry with both me and Annie. She will call us reckless and tell us that we are looking for trouble. I don't want to hear that words. I am scared at the thought that Mags might actually disagree with our choices. She has always been one of the few people who actually liked me and I can't bear the thought that she might disapprove of me.

"Do you come for dinner?"

"First I will try to sort this mess up" I am not sure if I am referring to the situation or to the pieces of glass on the floor. I clean the mess up, and I start crying: if only this disaster could be sorted out with the same simplicity. I sit down on the cold floor, sobbing. I never shamed myself so much as now. I never felt more self blaming for this tangled situation. I should have prevented a lot of things the first of which was making Annie fall in love with me. God knows, I tried everything to stop it but I didn't realize that I shouldn't have stopped her from falling for me. Because while I was distance myself from her I fell for her. Second was her getting pregnant.

"I am so sorry Annie. I am sorry that you have to bear this and the pregnancy. I am sorry that we didn't pay more attention, that I can't be with you the entire time when I come home" I say to the empty air.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **Thanks for the reviews, the favorites and the following! Here's the new chapter: enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Prologue (Annie's POV):

I turn and turn the letter in my hands, studying it carefully. It isn't difficult to understand who send it and what for. That is far too obvious: one could easily tell from the expensive paper, the red wax seal with Panem's emblem in the middle of it and that nauseous smell of roses and blood. The very own distinctive smell of our dear president Coriolanus Snow. I wonder if he perfumes every single item in his possession, to mark his territory just like a dog, or if the smell on him is so penetrating that involuntarily it sets on everything around him. Both the options are plausible: I don't remember much of him, I tried to forget every interaction we ever had after my victory, so I couldn't say. But if I had to choose I would pick the last one.

I break the seal, my hands already shaking: this will have something to do with me, Finnick and his clients. Something bad, very bad, if he took the liberty to write me: he only phoned me once in four years to tell me to put on an act if I wanted to stay with Finnick, that his clients had not to know that we were a couple. As I open it, the paper breaks but it doesn't matter: I am going to destroy it as soon as I read it. A missive from Snow will bring only pain and sorrow anyway.

_Miss Cresta,_

_I hope you're in a much better state of health than the last time I saw you. You It is really a heartbreaking thing, to see a victor in such conditions as you: it is a contradiction of the word and what it represents. I didn't write to discuss your health but about a serious problem that arose recently. Due to the recent troubles, arisen because of sentimental feelings (which in the end are always a disadvantage, don't you agree?), Mr. Odair's clients, or lovers? I still don't know how to call them with you, will have to come to District Four. It will be impossible for him to do his duties during Miss Everdeen and Mr. Mellark's victory tour. They will not meet other Victors not here in the Capitol, not in the Districts. Their ideas might influence you all, and this is something that must be avoided at all costs. I don't want to distress Mr. Odair taking all this long journey for just one client, so I decided it would be best if the client came to him. She paid gladly an extra sum of money, and she was so eager to see the ocean. I couldn't say no: our system has already suffered many blows, one to the economy was unnecessary. As for the details of the job: the client (one of the most illustrious faces here in the Capitol) will stay at Mr. Odair's house for three full days during which she will decide what to do. If she desires to see the District he will guide her. If she wants to stay with him doing... business they will do it. I don't know why I am writing the details to you, because what I want to say is this: let me remind you of your and Odair's duties. There will be no interaction whatsoever during those three days, and I know that you are neighbors so please try to find a solution for the problem as quickly as possible. You are only neighbors and if you meet by chance you will greet and part. there will be no casual touching, and absolutely no talking (as I already said) but I would be glad if you talked to his client, in case you should meet them._

_If any of this rules should be broken by either of you, if rumors about it should reach my ears there will be very hard consequences on all you love._

_I suggest you help him to move his things back to his house and actually make it seem like he lived there in the last four years._

_Fare you well Miss Cresta._

_Coriolanus Snow_

_P.S. I actually forgot to congratulate myself with Finnick Odair, I will do it now with you: Congratulations for the baby._

I read the letter twice, to be sure that I actually understand correctly what it says. At first I think I made this up but then again when I escape in a reality made up in my mind, I usually live a happy one. One in which there are no games, no violence, where my family is still alive and where, most of all, I haven't lost my mind.

But all of this is far too detailed to be made up and even in my worst nightmares I nevernevernever would have made something like this happen. This is even worse than my fears, the one that followed me every hour of everyday in the last years: I realize that I have been worrying for a lot of things but this didn't even cross my mind. It should have, because somehow it looks too obvious to be overlooked, but it didn't. Finnick will receive his client here. In four. In his house. This place was meant to be safe, a refuge from nightmares and abuse but now? Now everything changed. This is going to break him and me, yes, but mostly him.

I swallow hard. Then another thing strikes me: Snow knows about the baby.

How is it even possible? We didn't tell anyone, not even Mags who is like a parent for both of us. So how can he know?

I lay my hand on my belly, it has only been a month since we found out. And that by chance. The only way for him to find out is that someone overheard us talking about it. But we have always been very careful about what we were saying , we never discussed this outside or if we did, we were paid a lot of attention that we were alone. I don't understand how this can be happening! I am a hundred percent sure that we have always been careful. I know that Snow would have known one day but not so soon. This is really really too soon.

"HOW? WHEN?" I cry out. I hate not to know, I really hate it. Because I miss so much of reality when I slip away, when I am present I have to be sure of what happens around me. In fact, the worst part of my blackouts is that I never see what occurs in the real world. When I come back I wish I knew so that I could really distinguish what is true from what is not. I can blackout for hours and believe that what I saw was real and then when I go back it takes always a lot of time to clear my mind.

I begin to rip the letter in tiny little pieces, as little as possible. I want to destroy this completely, erase the words that were written on it. I want to forget about everything that happened recently, but however little the pieces that awful smell remains. That smell of blood, so penetrating just like it was in the arena when Triton's head was chopped off.

_Mist is slowly rising in the arena. "Annie" I hear Triton whisper. _

_"Yes" I say hesitantly._

_"If something should happen, remember you are the one who has to get out of here"_

_"But..."_

_"No buts, you promised me. You have to win!"_

_"I can't" I reply quietly._

_"You can Annie, now let's go on shall we?"_

_Why this sudden statement? He can't think that his end is near, there are still many tributes left not only the careers but also some of the poorer districts. He can't die, I don't want him to die! He is my friend, I have known him all my life, he was the brother I never had. He has to go back for my sister and eventually declare himself. He can't die here! There is an entire life he still has to live!_

_"Annie, come on let's get away from the valley. We are not safe here" he grabs my hand and we continue to walk. I don't want to move on, I want to die. It's been two weeks that we are in this arena and there is still a high number of tributes I feel like this games will never end, that I will be trapped in here for forever_

_"Wow what have we here? The entire District four!"_

_We freeze, my mind is not capable to elaborate a coherent thought. I know that we are going to die but somehow I don't believe it. This is all my fault! I wished for it and now...now..._

_"Annie! Run!"_

_"No Triton"_

_"Go and when you are back home tell your sister I" it is too late. The boy from one swings the sword and now his head is rollingrollingrollingrolling away. The smell of blood fills the air and the trace of it leaves a pattern on the floor._

_"And now for you? Wait I have a question for you...a simple curiosity. Is it true that you are Odair's whore?"_

_He knows nothing of Finnick! They don't know who he is!_

_"No, wait we don't care. You're only another of his fucks anyway. I wish I could see his face now" Suddenly the earth shakes violently and the careers fall on the ground, I get up as quickly as possible and run away to safety. I pass out, my mind tries desperately to shout out every image of Triton's head. All for nothing. I live moments of unconsciousness and of focus, during the first one I continue to see Triton's head rolling away and in the second I lie on the ground, watching the parachutes Finnick sends me accumulate on the ground. The I hear a loud explosion and I witness the arena fill with water.  
_

"Annie, come back I need you" Finnick voice reaches me. It is gentle and sosososo real. I don't know how it's possible but whenever I am in my nightmares a simple word from him brings me back. Slowly the arena disappears, the water dries and I when I open my eyes I am on the sofa again with the pieces of Snow's letter still on my lap. I blink a few times, to sent away the last bits of memories. I look at Finnick, his beautiful sea-green eyes full of sadness and anxiety.

"Finnick?"

"Yes my love?"

"Everyone is dead: Triton, my parents, my sister"

He nods.

"And I am not in the arena, I am safe"

He nods again.

"Then why do I still see them? And the arena? Why do they live inside my mind as if all of it was real? I only get confused, I get too confused. I can't distinguish realities, Finn, even after four years I still can't do it. I should have learned by now, I should feel better I..."

"Annie, it doesn't matter. You can ask me, for forever if it's necessary. I will always tell you the truth"

"Really? Always?"

"Always, whenever you ask me. Even if I am sleeping you can wake me, my love"

I take a deep breath, he has to know. I have to tell Finnick that Snow knows about the baby.

"He knows" I say

"Know what?" Finnick's voice is full of bewilderment. Right, I changed the subject abruptly: the two topics are not related. It happens sometimes, especially when my mind is weak and in a blur , full of different thoughts.

"The pregnancy. Finn" I sob.

Finnick sits near me and takes me in his arms, he always does that when he is worried. It is like he tries to protect me from the world. "Shh, we can go through this. Annie, I know that it shouldn't have come out this way, but the truth is that he would have found out sooner or later. A pregnancy isn't exactly something one can hide. But I wonder how he did find out"

"How can we do this Finn? How can we go through all of this?"

"We will find a way Annie. I promise you we will"

Is he not tired of this, making promises that sound great? because let us face the truth: in the end we really don't have any power to keep them. We can't choose what we want, this is not how life works in Panem. Snow controls anyone we are just puppets. We don't have anything to say in the matter.

"There is not a way Finnick. We don't have control over it"

"Annie don't say it. Please don't say it"

"It's true"

"I know. But we have each other, we will find a solution. You'll see that everything is going to sort out in the right way, Very soon: things are changing Annie"

"Please pay attention Finnick. Whatever it is that it's in your mind pay attention"

"I will. I promise you I will. Annie, I am sorry for the client"

"Don't be, it's not your fault"

"Annie, it is. I should be here with you not with some woman I will see once in my lifetime"

I know how much it affects him, how much sorrow it causes to him. It is an abuse that goes on since he is sixteen but it's not only this anymore. He has Mags and me (and now a baby on its way) to protect and he grow fonder of everyone in this lapse of time so he couldn't give up his obligations. Never. He blames himself for it because he thinks we all live a life full of misery. It is true: it saddens us but at the same time we have build a new family out of nothing and we love each other. We have our lives and they are, when we are all together, close to normal. _We are not alone because we have each other._

We stay silent for a bit than I look at him again and ask him "Are you completely absolutely sure that things are going to be fine?"

"Yes" he answers frankly.

I am not so sure about it. I would like to believe in him with all my heart but I feel that there is something wrong in all of this, something we both are missing even if it is massive and staring us in the face


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Preparations (Annie POV):

I am standing in front of Mags' house, not sure if to knock or not: I don't want to disturb her with my silly request. I shouldn't ask her to go to the beach with me, she gets tired easily since she had a stroke two years ago. But I can't go alone either and asking Finnick is out of the question. _You are selfish! _whispers a voice in my head _You can go alone!_

No, I can't! Because what if I have a flashback? What if I feel sick suddenly?

_Mags can't help you anyway..._ STOP! I say out loud. She can help me, just talking to her will help. It will make me stay focused on something that isn't the water on my feet. Because if I focus on that I will see it all over again: the water rising in the arena, me swimming for my life... I manage to stop my thoughts before I am trapped in the destructive twirl of them. I take a deep breath and take the decision to knock, if she doesn't want to come I will find another solution.

"Come..." Mags voice reaches me on the outside. I slowly open the door and enter the house "It's me. Annie. Mags?"

"One...Minute...Upstairs"

I sit on the steps and wait, I look myself around: this place is so full with memories. Afternoons spent together, dinners all of it. I smile widely, one day there will be a new entrance to our unconventional family. I put my hand on my belly and grin.

"Annie? Are you all right?" Mags voice snaps me away from my thoughts. I nod in response.

"I wanted to know if you were willing to come with me to the beach. Sorry it is a silly thing I shouldn't have... I..."

"I will come gladly, but I am afraid we have to walk very slowly" Mags takes her walking cane and walks outside and I follow.

"So what is your idea?"

"I want to look after a nice sea-shell. I want to make a necklace for Finnick"

In my mind I have elaborate this great plan: if I make him a necklace, a very pretty one, he can wear it also in the Capitol, and it could actually pass as a gift from one of his clients. Seeing it people could assume what they want but they would never relate it to me. Nothing in that necklace will scream for Annie Cresta. Only me, Mags and Finnick will know the true meaning of it. No one could think of me because I am not the kind of person people would relate Finnick to. It's not that I am not as they describe me, because it's true that I am unstable, but Finnick is definitely not the person they think he is. I believe they don't even consider him a person, he's just an object in their eyes: with no feelings and no soul. It is sad, even more sad because his true self is sososo wonderful.

"Because Mags, with all the things that happened recently I thought that he would have liked to have something that reminded him of me, wherever and with whom he is I will be thinking of him" I smile "I know it sounds a little silly but..."

"You know he loves you?" she asks hesitantly as if she wasn't sure about my thoughts. Not my thoughts but my certainty about where Finnick's affections stand.

"I know Mags. It's one of the few things I am always certain about, even in the worst moments the idea of Finnick's love is there, steady in my mind"

I know that this came up, because Finnick gets everyday more exasperated about our absurd situation. He thinks that I doubt him, but it is not so, not remotely. I perfectly know that he has no control over it, but still he doubts it. I don't think that the problem is only this. I know that he wants a real family, be able to marry and everything, and the thought that he is denied makes him frustrated. It's typical Finnick, but he has a point here.

"Annie?"

"I'm fine I was just lost in my own thoughts"

"A penny for them?"

"They aren't worth a penny. I..." I try desperately to let the news about my pregnancy slip out of my mouth, but I can't. I just look at her and a bang of shame hits me. It is not right to keep her obscure of it but we never find the right moment nor the right words. We have to tell her, because she will notice anyway even before my belly grows she will notice my morning sickness and so on. I often wonder why we didn't tell her already. We fear judgement? Yes. No. A little perhaps. Yes, I fear her judgment. But we have always been careful, it was an accident.

We reach the beach and Mags sits down in the sand, I give her my shoes to look after and walk towards the water. The fresh water caresses my feet, and it takes me some courage to stay there getting used to the sensation. It's the first time I actually walk in the water all alone since my games. When I won, once we were back in District Four, Finnick begun to take long walks on the beach with me with our feet in the water in order to help me get used to it again. After I survived the flood the only thought of water was a trigger that made me experience the swimming again. But with his hand holding tightly mine I managed to get used to it again and overcome my fear.

_Focus..._I can't afford a panic attack nor a flash back right now. I focus my attention on the seashells near me. At the end of my search I found five that could fit for what I have in mind, I return to Mags and show them to her. Looking for other sea shells is a little unnecessary: after a while they all look the same.

"Mags, I need your help"

She smiles and nods. I show her the ones I have gathered "Which one?"

Mags studies the seashells and thinks a moment about it, the she points her finger to a blue elongated seashell with golden and light green reflexes in it "This one... definitely"

"OK, I put the others back. Wait for me"

"I couldn't go far anyway" she laughs.

"Have you the rope already?" asks Mags on our way home.

"I think so...Yes" If I remember correctly some rope was left since we last used it to wrap Mags' birthday present last year but I can't remember what colour it was.

"Mags if it weren't, have you any rope? Otherwise would you come with me to buy it in the next days?" As soon as the words live my mouth I repent it. I keep forgetting that Mags probably hasn't the forces to follow me every way, only because I don't have the guts to go alone _Coward..._Whispers the usual voice in my head _You can do it alone! You don't need to worry about others! _Yes, I have to. They don't know what to do if I were in the middle of an attack and they always look at me with pity and incomprehension. I don't want to be pitied and I wish they understood me more. But they can't. They can't because they didn't enter in that arena, they didn't see one of their closest friend get beheaded in order to save you. They didn't swim in ice-cold water for hours. They didn't... They...

"Annie? It's all right, you are safe"

I realize that I was on my way back to hell, if Mags hadn't call me back it would have gotten out of control. My heart beat is increased, my breathing is irregular and my mind is a little blurry.

"Sorry Mags, what were we saying?"

"Rope. I'll come"

"Mags it isn't a problem I can go alone. I shouldn't bother you constantly"

She looks at me and smiles, caressing my cheek. "Don't... worry. It's a pleasure"

_You should be ashamed of yourself! She is so well disposed and you can't even find the courage to tell her about the baby!_ No, stop. I don't want to hear that voice any more. Someone please, make it stop. _This is how you repay kindness? This is your way to prove your affection? With lies?_ Stop stop stop! I don't want to hear it anymore. I. Don't. Want. To. _You are a liar Annie Cresta! A liar and a mad girl! _I rise my hands to cover my ears trying to stop that awful voice, but at the same time I know it won't work: the voice is in my head, everything is in my head. Covering my ears won't help, it never helps. Just like close my eyes shut will not stop images from the arena. And also knowing that what I see is not real doesn't help: images, screams and flashbacks have the power to make me crumble anyway.

"Annie"

"I don't want to see it any more, the arena, Triton's head. I don't want to hear the voices in my head. Why doesn't it stop Mags? Why can't I just be like any other living person? Why is it me that has to be crazy?" I sob.

"You are not crazy"

"I am. I have different realities inside my head! And there is always this voice in my head that discourage me from everything... That is not normal people have in their head!"

"You are not, Annie"

"I am and Mags I'm not a good person too, I..." I can't be sincere with you, despite that the fact that in the last four years you have been like a parent for me.

"You are a wonderful person. you must..." she pauses a moment "Never doubt that. Never"

_If only that was true..._

I shut the voice out, it would be the third time that I have a crises in front of Mags and I don't want to. I nod at her even if I don't believe completely in her words.

"See you, thank you for having accompanied me" I give her a hug and then we part our ways.

As I enter the house I find Finnick sitting on the sofa in the living room, he was probably waiting for me and as I reach him he stands up .

"Hey Cresta!"

"Hey Odair!"

"Where have you been?"

"Out for a walk with Mags, enjoying the fresh air. It is healthy you know. Especially in my conditions"

"I am sure of it, my love. But don't get fatigued, not too much at least. Still how are you today?"

"The usual: morning sickness, my entire body aches. It's not nice being pregnant"

"I'm sorry my love, I wish I could do something. But I am happy about this recent situation" he smiles "One day we will be a great family: me, you, Mags and our children!"

The rope! I have to ask him about it before I forget. "Finn do we have some thin rope left?"

He looks at me questioningly "Annie I am talking about future and you just change subject? Are you serious?"

"Mags asked for it and if I didn't do it now I would have only forget about it"

"I don't think so... I'll look after lunch now come!"

The thought of eating makes me sick, I can't keep much in my stomach anyway so what is the point of it? And I am also too tired after my morning walk. I really just want to lie down. "Can't I just skip lunch? I want to take a nap".

"You can take it later and no buts! That is for two reasons: the first one is you have to eat for two, the second is that soon I won't see you for three days so I must spent as much time as possible with you now" By the tone of his voice one could easily say how much it hurts him that our usual routine will be interrupted. He tries to be the strongest one in our relationship, and he is but I think that as a person he is completely broken in the inside. And who could blame him? I look at him and for a moment in front of me stands the man I first met. The one with the sad eyes when he thought no one was looking at him, the one who thought himself as an object because he was treated like this since he won the games and yes the one who slept with more clients, who accepted money from them to sponsor me and keep me safe. _There will be a lot of sponsorship money, after all your mentor is the famous Finnick Odair!_ I didn't know about the prostitution back then. I never was interested in Finnick anyway, my opinion of him wasn't really one of the most kind. Because he spent the time in the Capitol flirting and the time in four isolated from the world I didn't really know much of him. I thought him cocky, arrogant a complete peacock.

"I am so sorry" I blurt out sobbing "for what I thought about you when we first met. I never told you that I am sorry for my misjudgment".

Finnick embraces me "I know, Annie. I know. Not that my opinion about you was better, if it helps you feeling better. Let us forget about the past, let us think about the present and the future".

What he doesn't say is that right now the imminent future doesn't look too appealing.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Preparations (Finnick POV):

In the days before the arrival of my client, I move a great part of my stuff back to the house that was assigned to me after my victory. It is a painful thing to do, it feels and it is wrong. The entire client affair is but moving is even worse. This is not my house anymore. It may sound cheesy but it isn't because neither Annie nor her belongings are here: her books near my poetry notebooks, our clothes together in the wardrobe, our pajamas lying unfolded on the bed in a complete mess. The bed we share. All these things that seem so little and unimportant are in reality the contraire of it. As I look around and place stuff at the right pace, I notice that small things like more than just one pair of shoes at the entrance, two pair of slippers in front of the sofa when someone sits on it, represent intimacy, a life worth living, family and love. It is a sign for Us. Us, I still can't believe that all of this is happening for real. And I can't equally believe that there was a time in which I loved solitude.

How was my life before Annie? How could I have lived alone in this empty house, too big for just one person?

The answer for the first question is definitely terrible. Terrible because after a few years since my first client, I begun to hate myself. And while everyone was in love with Finnick Odair, Finnick Odair himself couldn't even stand the sight of him in a mirror. I had absolutely no self-esteem: I guess that when people treat you as an object after a while you begin to consider yourself in that way.

As for the second question: I loved solitude because it meant that for some time I had no attentions. Solitude was a way to get away from the Capitol façade of Finnick Odair, Finnick Odair the Capitol's whore. Because I was that, no matter how much I acted like I wanted it, no matter how I hid my insecurity behind beauty and flirtatious attitude. I didn't really control it but in some way I gave the appearance of it. I was just fooling myself but at the beginning it helped. With the time passing it only got worse. Loneliness, was what I loved when I was at home: it's true that I spent time with Mags but I enjoyed being alone in the rest of the time.

And then Annie came. I don't know why but in her presence I couldn't put on my usual act. She brought out my old self again. And I felt more than good. I hadn't been for a very long time and she appreciated me for what I truly was. We didn't lie to each other.

"Finn?"

"Yes, my love?" I didn't even notice that I was lost in my thoughts. I guess it is this what happens to Annie when she looks lost. She never wants to tell me what she thinks about or what she sees when she slips away, maybe she fears my reaction maybe she fears that I will think her crazy like the others do. But she is not crazy, she is the honest one: she doesn't conceal the effects that the arena has on the mind of victors. We are all traumatized but because weakness isn't something victors are supposed to show we all hide it. Annie doesn't, and it is the right thing: bottling up all the traumas and never show how damaged you really are will only end in disaster. One day you will explode and there will be no way back.

"Finn?" Annie's voice reaches me again.

"Yes?"

"You know that the blackouts are my thing. It's a luxury we can't afford"

"What?"

I see her shut her eyes, she always does it when she tries to sort out her thoughts in order to let them come out in a more linear way. It doesn't happen as often as before and I am usually able to fill the gaps. But not today, because my mind is elsewhere.

"Us being both crazy. We could have afford it before but not now, with our child on his way"

"Annie, you are not crazy. Nor am I, there is only one thing I am crazy about and it is you!" I smirk

Annie begins to laugh, I love it when she does. Her laugher is crystal clear and it is always full of genuine joy, it is heartwarming.

"That was cheesy. You are supposed to be a poet and I am sure you can do better than that"

"Maybe I do it on purpose to be cheesy. Has this thought ever occurred to you?"

Annie gives me one of her 'as you say' looks and shakes her head.

"Lately it occurred to me a lot. But I love you even if you are cheesy Finn. I love you so much that sometimes when I look at you I fear my heart is going to explode" she says seriously.

"I love you too Annie, but wasn't there something you wanted to talk about?"

I look at Annie while she tries again to concentrate, probably running after a non said sentence that was on her tip of her tongue. Words remained unspoken that will not come out again.

"It's a silly thing. Can I give you something?"

"Of course you can, you don't have to ask me and you know that"

A light blush spreads on her pale cheeks, I don't think it is out of embarrassment because there is really nothing to be embarrassed about. It may be because she thinks herself silly for having to ask me whether she can give me gifts or not. It is the same as when we started our relationship when she asked me if she could kiss me or not. She always asked. Always, in fear that she could pull some trigger. That I would just go blank after one wrong move from her. This because of what happens in the Capitol. And it is the same now: unexpected presents are something my clients give to me but I always throw them away or they remain in the training center in a drawer. But her gifts are completely different: they are small and have a meaning. It may sound old but they are made with the heart.

"So do you want to come and see it? I left it at our house. Come"

She takes my hand and she drags me outside and then into her, our, house.

"Wait here a moment Finn. Oh and close your eyes!" I do as she says and wait. When she gets up she takes my hands in hers and opens it, leaning a small object on my palm and then closing fingers around it.

"You can open your eyes now! I wanted to wrap it in paper and I have tried really hard, but it just came a mess every time I tried it only got worse so I decided to give up"

"It is not that difficult to wrap a present without making it look like a train passed over it"

"I know and I always try. I follow the instruction you once gave me step by step, but the paper has its own will"

"Paper has its own will? Come on Annie you can do better than this"

She rolls her eyes. I have seen how much concentration she puts in everything she does, especially in wrapping presents. It was a few years ago and we had a present for Mags birthday, she volunteered to take care of the package... It didn't end well, for the paper. Annie lost her patient and throw it across the room. It was funny because she never never loses her temper. She is one of the most quiet people in the world.

"It is your talent, I have others" she pauses a minute "Finn is there something you can't do?"

"Nope"

"Peacock"

"I am not"

"Yes you are!"

"Can I open my hands now?"

Annie nods furiously in response.

I open my hand and I see a blue seashell attached to a rope. A necklace. Annie has made me a necklace, with a sea shell. "It is beautiful"

"Just like you" Annie giggles and I fix the rope around my neck.

Annie looks at me, her green eyes are bright for happiness and she says "I was thinking about the imminent future and what it means. I... Now you will have always a part of me with you. I never doubt us, not even in the darkest moments"

"Have you talked with Mags?"

"She was the one who accompanied me to the beach and before you ask, yes she was worried that I doubted us being together. But this must be the result of something you said or did, what is it?"

"I just want more, and this is because how I acted on the train back home after Snow informed me about the client" I pause a moment "I don't doubt us either. I never did, trust me. It's just that I want to make things official and I want to stop hurting you. I want to be _only_ yours"

"But you are!" Annie's voice comes out matter of factly, but it is not how I feel. Because it is betrayal even if I am forced to do it and I have no control in it.

"Yes and no"

"Finnick please, let us not start this argument again. I am tired: we have had the same argument for four years now"

"But..."

"No buts, Finnick. You have to trust me: if I was tired of you or if I doubted you I would have already left because I am not that crazy! I can make sensible decisions"

"You aren't crazy Annie and I never doubted your judgment"

"Now I forget what I was saying" she pauses a moment "Ah yes. If I didn't like you I would have left and most certainly I wouldn't be baring your baby. Do you trust me?"

"With all my heart" And I really do. At this point of things what makes me go on is the certainty that soon a lot of things will change. If the revolution ends well, if we manage to overthrow Snow the Capitol won't hold us in its power anymore and we will be finally free. It will be hard, I'm not that idealistic to think that our actions won't lead to a war, to the contrary I am very aware of the hard consequences on people from the Districts and the Capitol too. But it will lead to a new chance, a new world. A better world, I hope. And then, at last, after four years of struggle and doubts I will be able to marry Annie. I will be able to live with Annie, Annie and our baby. A normal life I am looking forward to.

"Good. Never doubt us Finnick. Never" Annie smiles and comes a step closer "I never did, I never do. Us is the only certainty I have. Even in my worst nightmares or when I find myself struck in a different reality inside my head I know for sure that your love is real"

"Come here. Annie you should have been the poet"

She rolls her eyes and then smiles to me. I put my hand on her waist and then pull her on the sofa. She shrieks as we crash on it.

"Finn! Pay attention!"

I just kiss her and what started as a thank you kiss just grows in to a full make out session. At some point Annie pulls back from me, she stares at me for some time and I am ready to call her back in case she slipped away but then she blinks.

"We really should tell Mags about the pregnancy. Finn I feel terrible when I look at her. She doesn't deserve it"

There are tears in the corner of her eyes, ready to fall down and draw silver lines on her pale cheeks. I pass my thumbs on her eyes. "Don't cry, I feel bad about it too. Thing is I am scared that she will call us reckless, I don't want her to think bad of us, she is like a mother to me and I don't want to lose her"

"But we can't lie to her either" she sobs "She will find out and I couldn't stand the idea of her getting angry at us"

There is only one thing we can do now, nothing will reassure Annie and nothing will help more than walking to Mags now and tell her the truth. It will make us feel better and what will come will come. I also fear that if we don't do it now, we will never find the courage again. I get up and stretch my hand to Annie, who grabs it immediately.

"Come, we can finish later to set the things at their place. We are going to Mags and we won't leave unless the truth comes out. Do you agree?"

Annie sniffs her nose and nods.

We walk to Mags house and when we stand on the door frame Annie tightens the force she holds her hand with, as a sign of reassurance and reminder that we are doing this together. We knock and Mags welcomes us.

"We have to tell you something" I whisper, Mags lets us come in and makes us sit on the sofa in her living room.

"So tell me"

"Annie is pregnant, please don't be angry at us. Please don't, we couldn't bear it"

"We wanted to tell you Mags, I was on the point to do it sososo many times that I lost the count of it. And I am ashamed that we didn't do it sooner, that we didn't... that" Annie cries again, her body is shaken by her sobs. I pull her closer to me, trying to calm her down.

"We feared your judgment and we couldn't stand the thought of you thinking bad about us" My voice is broken down too. If I shamed myself before it is getting worse now because I realize how wrong it was from us.

Mags stays silent, looking at us both. Fear begins to hit me, what if she yells at us? What if she sends us away? She is not like this and I know it. But now she would have all the right to do so.

"Mags please say something!" Her silence is killing us both.

But Mags doesn't reply, instead she gets up and walks towards us and then embraces us. This is certainly not the reaction we were expecting.

"I don't say that I am not angry about this. But I think I can understand the reasons that have led you to this. You should have had more faith in yourselves and in me" she speaks slowly and sometimes she has to repeat words but each of it frees us from a burden.

"I will forgive you and I will stand by your side"

"Really?" asks Annie bewildered.

"Really" Mags smiles to us "Now can I offer you something to eat or drink and you tell me all from the beginning?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note:** Sorry for the delay but I am busy with university. Here's the new chapter: Enjoy! Also if someone has some suggestions about what secrets Finnick's client can tell him let me know, I will try to include them.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Day one(Finnick's POV):

Today is the day: my client will arrive in the early afternoon which gives me a few more hours of liberty before the show starts. A few hours is better than nothing? Yes and no. But the thing is: what's the point in having some time left when I can't spend it with Annie anyway? Of course there is nothing to stop us from doing so, except the fact that we are both aware that when we spent time together we often lose the track of time: we always find an excuse to delay our parting. In the years we have practiced a lot about inventing things to say out loud that had an urge to be said. Or we just stayed in silence till the end so that we actually had to say a lot of things in the last minutes we had. No: it is better this way, because if I saw Annie right here and now I wouldn't be able to go away. And this is the reason because each of us slept in his own house and not together: at first I tried to protest but in the end I was persuaded that it would have been the best thing to do. This is not like reaping day nor like her victory tour, this is worse.

"Great" I mumble. I am already annoyed and bad-tempered: the idea of a client is less appealing than ever, and I'm still not in peace with myself for leaving Annie alone _and_ pregnant in the house nearby.

I sigh and get up, starting my daily morning routine: an hour of swimming. But this is not my usual routine because Annie isn't here. When I will come back she won't be here lying on the right side of the bed, the blankets drown to her chin, her brown hair spread on the pillow like a thousands of beams. The pale skin that seems to glow in contrast with the dark blue of the bed cover. She won't be here smiling at me once she wakes up, she won't blink the sleep away.

It's been less than a day and I already miss her. And thinking of her will not help to make my mood better.

When I am finished with my daily exercise I open the wardrobe deciding what to put on or not. Most of the clothes in there are my District ones. They are, technically speaking, what normal people wear everyday: jeans, t-shirts, shirts... Then there are some of the Capitol clothes, I never needed them here except for reaping day. I look in front of me for a couple of minutes deciding what to wear but in the end I chose the District clothes: I had no instructions nor did Snow send my stylist. Not that I need one. After nine years, I quite understood how all of this worked: the more skin is exposed, the better. Besides my client came all this_ long _way to the District, she might as well see a (nearly) complete image of me at home. I put on a pair of jeans and a simple t-shirt: I don't care if I am too dressed up for the usual standards. If Snow wanted it different he should have written something, besides he always made it pretty clear that the important thing was to 'Satisfy them' and I never spent much time with my clients dressed up, so what does it matter anyway?

Of course wearing normal clothes has one more advantage: I won't feel completely uncomfortable. I always feel uncomfortable going around half-naked, and who wouldn't? With the years I learned to hide it under layer and layers of self-consciousness, arrogance, narcissism and charm. Another thing I have learned quickly was to shut my mind close whenever I was with them, it was the easiest way to distance myself. Sex became immediately a series of mechanical action_. Moves and countermoves._

It was Annie who proved me wrong, it took as a lot of time to reach the point of no return but it was worth it. And from that moment on there was another difference between my relationship with her and the one I have with the _others. _A smile creeps up my face and I let out a small laugh as I recall the awkwardness of our first time, it was a mess: a tangle of arms and legs. The first time for _both_ of us.

Twelve o'clock, the hovercraft that will bring my client arrives in half an hour ish, better start moving. Arriving late wouldn't be the best way to start this thing. Rule number one _Never let them wait Mr. Odair, you might lose them as regulars._ They are never regulars anyway: the line is too long. There was a time in which I clung to the hope that they would have gotten tired of me, only to be soon proved wrong. _Do as they say, don't protest. _Another kind suggestion Snow gave to me and I had to follow this one too. It is dreadful to recall all the situations I lived: immense appetites, incest, wired inclinations. This and more, hadn't I have someone to protect, someone I truly loved, I might as well closed the matter earlier. Of course some end it anyway just like Johanna , who summed all the factors of the equations and decided it was better for her loved ones to be dead than be used as bait. I envy her courage and her strength. I couldn't have done it. I can't do it. I thought about it, years ago when Snow killed my family when I refused to obey his orders. I thought about it after a few weeks of appointments with my clients and I thought about it when I told Annie the truth. But the answer is no. I don't have the guts to do it. Mags also told me once to consider my life related to the people I live with, with whom I share happy moments and I followed that advice ever since.

So here I am, waiting for yet another person I will see once in a lifetime, already missing Annie more than ever. It is even worse than usual because she is here but I am not allowed to see her!

"Finnick Odair?"

I turn around, in front of me stands a girl who must be in her mid twenties and she looks...normal. No strange alterations, no strange colors. She could pass for someone from the wealthiest districts, but at first look one wouldn't say she is from the Capitol. Straight blond hair, grey eyes.

"Silver Lux. I think you were expecting me" she smiles.

"Yes, sorry. It's a pleasure to meet you"

_Not true._

I offer her my arm and she takes it. "Come. Shall I take your luggage?"

"No thanks. It's not that heavy"

_Of course it isn't! She isn't here to stay dressed and you neither _better to keep that in mind.

"So this is the victor's village? I imagined it more... imposing. It looks quite abandoned"

Abandoned yes, but not as much as in other districts. And it actually suits the place best, abandonment. It reflects the Victors mood, we are just ghosts of what we once were and of what we could have become. We are shadows trying desperately to cope with our past and with our present status, with the fact that we are nothing more than killers and puppets in the hands of one powerful man. But I can't tell her that so I just lie which basically is what I do anyway.

"I know but you have to admit that with me living here the entire thing gets better"

I let her leave the luggage at my house, she snoops around for some time and then comes back. "Your house is wonderful. Can you show me the District?"

A part of me really hoped that we would just go to bed already. It would have simplified the situation a lot. As I usually don't spent time talking to my clients I really have no idea how to do small talk, and this _situation _will anyway end with us both having sex therefore...

"Sure, I heard that you love the ocean. Let's start from there I heard that you are very fond of it" I purr into her ear.

"Yes, I always wanted to see it. I've read about it but it's not the same thing"

Touché.

I take her arm again and guide her to the beach, away from the spot near the Victor's Village: that's the one I usually share with Mags and Annie whenever we decide to spent time out. That spot is the place where Annie and I used to have everyday an evening walk to let her get used to water again, where I told the truth about myself. No. I'm not going to ruin the memory of it too: there are to many ruined things already.

"Wow. This is even more beautiful than I imagined!" Silver's voice brings me back to the present.

I have to find a way to pay more attention to her or she will notice that I actually don't care and she will go to Snow and... This mustn't happen, there must be absolutely no doubt to where my attentions lie. It was easier to act once, to pretend.

"Not as beautiful as you darling" I say seductively and Silver just shrugs. Why can't she just be like the other Capitol citizens? Why?

"Which leads me to the question: why don't you look like the other citizens of the Capitol?" I immediately add.

"Maybe I don't have the money"

We both now that it's not true, first thing her parents must be pretty wealthy if they are high members of society and second she hired me. I was never really interested in how much money they paid for me but I am quite sure that it is pretty impressive.

"No really why?"

"The thing is this: I always wanted to distinguish myself and this was the best way. I look different. And different gets attention. So here I am"

"And it suits you"

"I know. You know what? I want to swim, Join me?"

"Of course darling. But tell me where did you learn swimming?"

"Pool. I was literary obsessed with it after the seventieth Hunger Games. I love that edition of the games the winner inspired me so much! What was her name? Something like Cesta...Vesta. Cresta! That's it: Annie Cresta! She is my favorite, my half-brother even sponsored her. Still she looked one thing with the water and I wanted to be just like her"

Oh yes, one thing with the water! She completely misses the point here, how can she even think that a pool is like the water in the games. People in the Capitol don't understand the effect of the games: they steal yourself, they change you deeply. Either you become a killer and stay haunted by those lives for eternity, or like Annie's case you don't kill anyone but the games stole part of your sanity anyway. They traumatized Annie deeply! The simplest thing can make her slip away. And Silver Lux has really the courage to tell me that she is envious of Annie's fluent movements in water?

"Does she feel better now? I heard that she wasn't quite _right_ afterwards" she says, tipping her head.

"Not really"

"What a pity, does it mean she isn't available? My half-brother swoons over her since she was reaped and put in that arena. He fantasized over her since. It would have been the perfect present for him, well I have to find another idea"

The idea of someone fantasizing over Annie is simply and utterly repulsive. The idea of Annie in the hands of strangers with all sorts of appetites. The idea of Annie going through what others have to do, including me, is the reason why I never regret having made that deal with Snow years ago. Better me than her. Always.

And I am absolutely not "Sorry" I tell her.

"It's not your fault, I will find something else"

And the conversation drops here, just as nothing. Do they even think of us like people? I always thought not because of all the selling thing and so on but it is in this moment I realize that it is even worse than I thought. Really buying a person as a birthday present? That's wrong and disgusting and what have they in their minds? I just can't...

"No doubt you will"

Silver looks at me for some time, she gets closer and then kisses me aggressively and I have no option that to respond to it. Our tongue fight for control but in the end I win, or maybe she lets me win. My hands mechanically wonder under her t-shirt and I pull her closer. When we parts she smiles and I mimic her unwillingly, because all I can think about ,again, is Annie. Annie who always asked me if she could kiss me. Annie who always kissed me tenderly and not with such rage. Annie who is pregnant and alone and I should be there with her. Annie.

"You know all my life my uncle and my mother have distanced every man from me with the excuse they aren't good enough for me. I am tired of seducing men: I. Am. Bored" she sighs.

So she turned on me, gosh! Because of her boredom and rebel spirit I have to interrupt my normal life? I am forced to abandon my Annie because of this spoiled child?

"So how can I help you?" I say seductively giving her a charming smile

"Seduce me" she purrs in my ear.

"I have a better idea than swimming to spent the evening"

I lay my arm around her waist, pulling her closer. I try not to think that I made the same gesture with Annie a thousand times.

_That is different _I keep telling to myself like a mantra

Let's just hope she can tell me some pretty interesting secrets.


	6. Chapter 6

**Trigger warning: **Miscarriage

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Day one (Annie's POV):

I miss Finnick.

I miss him terribly.

And I don't feel well.

And no, the two things are not related. Me feeling unwell is not caused by my blackouts and by the nightmares that usually haunt me great part of the day nor, to be sincere, by the continuous slipping away from one reality to another.

And it is only in part related to the fact that Finnick is absent and he is seeing a client right now.

When we parted a few days ago he made me promise that I would stay strong, that I would be fine and that I wouldn't have worried too much about him because it was just for three days and three days pass quickly. It's the same promise he always makes me make. And just as usual I feel like I can't keep it, which seems weird considering that during the Games his absences last longer. But as much as I try, I just can't do this.

I am tired.

I have a constant pain in my lower back and resting doesn't help. Nor does sitting down.

It's not the first time I feel it: it started a couple of days ago but I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything because what if I am only imagining it? What if the pain is not real? How can I be sure anyway? I have no one to ask, and even if there was someone how could he/she know?

Imagining the pain wouldn't be the first time because it's the same thing that happens when I wake up from my nightmares and have still the sensation of drowning. Or I can still feel the cuts and bruises burning on my skin even though there is nothing.

No, not talking about it is probably the right thing to do: if the others knew, they would have to keep another burden on their shoulders. And I don't want that because there are already so many things in our minds. So many things to care about. So many things that keep us distracted. And if Finnick knew about this he wouldn't be able to stay focused: he already is tormented by the thought of leaving me here alone. There must be no doubt whatsoever to where his thoughts are, if Snow where to know about the minimal error something terrible would happen. And that is exactly what we are trying to prevent right now.

Well, we always have. Our entire relationship seen from the outside is just one big act, ever since the beginning. But seeing it from the inside it's the entire opposite: it is so genuine and true that sometimes it still scares me. I recon it's the best thing that could have happened to us: we are still two broken people but we help each other out, and we manage to help the other one to stay sane.

Finnick helped me, a lot: a few words from him always bring me back from my nightmares. I don't know how this is possible, but I stopped wondering and was just glad that it happened.

"Annie... Are you all right?" Mags voice brings me back from my thoughts.

"I am..." I linger a moment uncertain if to tell at least her the truth. Both Finnick and I promised her that we wouldn't keep anything from her ever again but in the end I just say "fine" feeling already a hint of shame inside me.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes" I say. This time trying to sound more convinced about it.

Mags doesn't trust me. She looks at me carefully and while she does this, I work hard to maintain a neutral face and to ignore the pain that is becoming something more than just a dull ache.

"Annie, you are white as a sheet! You sure you are not hiding anything?"

"Yes, it's just the usual pregnancy sickness. You don't have to worry Mags I am fine really"

I manage to smile.

"But if there was something you would tell me?" she questions me.

I nod. I have no other option than nod. Well I have one, but I don't want to choose it.

_Liar liar liar liar liar. _

I shut my eyes close, concentrating to send the voice away. But it doesn't help: I continue to hear that infinite sing-song inside my mind.

"Annie, it's all right" slowly Mags voice overlaps the one inside my mind until I only hear her.

"Was it a flashback?"

"No, it was... nothing"

"Annie?"

I don't want her to know. I don't want to tell her about the voice because then I would have to explain the entire situation and that is what I am trying to avoid. So I change subject.

"Mags have you seen her?"

"Who?"

She is bewildered and cannot catch immediately my new topic of conversation. There is no wonder in that: first she is not used to it like Finnick is and secondly this abrupt switches from one topic to another are never so drastic. If I was the one who was listening to me I wouldn't have understood it either.

"Finnick's client. I saw her yesterday, just for a moment but I saw her passing by" It must have been when she just arrived, because she and Finnick got out nearly immediately.

"Mags, she is beautiful" I add.

And I am not lying, she really is. I never would have imagined it because I saw the Capitol citizens. I saw how they dress, how they look. They are just like our District escort: gruesome and creepy. But she isn't. Not. A. Wink.

Forget about the exaggeration, the bright colors, the wired haircuts and the stupid dresses. Forget about everything that characterize them all and you will have an image of Finnick's client. She has straight blond hair that doesn't look like a mess, she is thin but not skinny, and she has a pale complexion but her skin seems to glow and not like mine that is so white that it looks like I am ill all the time. And probably she isn't a complete and utter mess, and still has her own sanity.

"She looks like she comes from District One, and she is exactly the person you would think Finnick stays with. She is just so normal and pretty"

There was a time, it was at the beginning of my relationship with Finnick when I looked myself into the mirror and wondered why he chose me. What he could see in me: not only my exterior that didn't matter much anyway for him but what qualities did I have that distinguish myself from other girls? If I had to describe myself with one word I would use Awkward and Crazy.

"You are neither crazy nor awkward Annie. Don't think that ever again"

"People think that all the time" and they really do, they don't even know how to talk with me. And I know they call me 'Crazy Cresta' ever since I came back from my games.

"People are stupid, they don't know anything. We are your family, so trust us when we tell you are not"

"Guess you are right"

I shut my eyes close as a sting of pain comes from my lower abdomen.

"Annie are you all right?"

Truth or lie? Truth or lie? Truth or lie? Truth or lie? Truth or lie? Truth or lie?

Lie.

"I'm.. ok, don't worry. Mags do you think Finnick and I will be good parents?"

"Yes, I am sure of it. Why?"

"Because I can't even take care of myself let alone of a child"

Mags shakes her head "You can take care of yourself Annie. And you will be a great mother"

"How?"

This is a question that haunts me constantly, that has become a fixed point inside my head ever since I discovered the pregnancy. Because what kind of life is this baby going to live?

He or she has two broken people as parents. Parents who can't even live a full life because an old man controls us all. And what lies will be told, what act will be put on because Finnick is the father. Will it be made public? I don't think Snow will allow the truth: that this baby is the result of love. Let's face it: Finnick Odair is not supposed to love someone, the mad girl is supposed to be forgotten by anyone and most of all they are not supposed to be a family and have a child.

This child will have two victors as parents and if things don't change he or she will have a higher chance to get reaped. Sometimes I think it would be better if all of this wouldn't have happened. A distorted life can be handled but with a baby? I don't see how, and it seems quite unfair for the new entry to be treated like this and to be brought to a world like this. How can we be so selfish?

"Mags do you think it is right have baby nowadays?"

"Annie, things are changing. The world is a very different place, it is changing very fast: and at this point I think that yes you both deserve to start a family"

"What do you mean the world is changing fast?"

But Mags doesn't answer, instead she places a plate with a sandwich in front of me. She nods towards it, her way to instruct me to eat it. But after a few bites I place it down again. The nausea is to strong and I feel like it could come up any minute now.

"I'm not hungry Mags, I'll eat it later"

"You have to eat now. I don't trust you when you say you will eat it later"

I can't it this! I can't keep it down! And I know that Mags only wants the best for me and that it had happened before that I didn't eat out of misery, but I just can't do it.

"Annie, it's all right. Don't cry, please don't cry"

"It's nothing" I say, wiping away the tears.

_It is the complete opposite than nothing! _with the cramps and the ache I feel.

"I'm just so tired Mags. Can I go and rest for a while? I promise that when I wake up I will eat your sandwich and some fruit"

"Only if you also promise that should something happen you will call me immediately, we will figure something out."

I open my mouth to reply but she stops me.

"I know what you are going to say but no, you are not ok Annie. Get some sleep I will come and check on you later"

"See you later"

I go with her to the door and wave her goodbye, when I see Mags enter her house I slowly go upstairs and reach the bedroom. Sleep is really what I need because my legs shake and I find I can't stand upright for a long time. It takes some time to fall asleep, it's hard with the regular cramps and the nausea. But slowly I do.

I wake up because of the insufferable pain and the contraction I feel. I also find myself in a sea of sweat, and I feel all wet between my legs. At first I think I peed in bed but when I tough the wet zone with my hand and then look at it I see it: it's not pee, that would have been a relief. It is blood.

At the sight of it I begin to scream as hard as I can. the last thing I remember before I passing out is that I cry out for Finnick.

* * *

**Author's note**: Sorry for the delay! I know you are probably going to hate me from this chapter on, I am sorry. I, myself, wondered why I decided to write a story like this. But now it is in the middle so it's too late to change my mind. Seriously: don't hate me, I am sorry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: **I don't own 'The Hunger Games', they belong to Suzanne Collins.

Day two (Finnick's POV):

I am fighting hard the urgency to go and take a shower, in order to wash off Silver Lux's touch.

It wouldn't help.

It never helps. Because as much as one scrubs his own skin, the memory of what just happened doesn't fade off.

Besides what is _this_ compared to ten long years?

"That was amazing! The time was all well spent" she says.

By time she probably means her money. Congratulations, Silver Lux, for trying not to be rude. But don't worry you can be rude anytime, what does it change anyway? Besides she is something more than rude, they all are: they come in ruining lives not thinking of the consequences.

"Making you feel amazing was the point right?"

She nods than slowly runs her finger tips on my chest. This is not how it works, this will not work. I seduce them not the opposite.

I fight my instinct to get away from her touch.

She begins to kiss me but I stop her "Darling" I give her a flashing smile "Let me do this"

When I am finished for the second time, Sliver Lux does look exhausted. And let me say I am grateful for it.

"Want to know a secret?" she volunteers.

"Of course" I purr into her ear.

And let us hope it's a good one, something that one day I can use against them all. Or better something that involves our dear President Snow himself.

I still remember when a client told me that Snow poisons his opponents. At first I didn't really believe it but in a matter of years I heard the story several times and all the little details were the same. So I stated it as true. Those clients didn't have the slightest idea of the power of that information, maybe the power itself yes but not the power I have knowing it. Who would suspect Finnick Odair anyway?

I am just a harmless young man, a lover but in the end not by choice. My hands are tied. But they are oh-so-wrong. I am part of the revolution and those secrets in the hands of the rebels are like a grenade ready to explode. Because in The Capitol one wrong hair cut, or an ugly dress can lead to hours of criticism but what if news about poison, incest, strange appetites come out? What then?

I would give all I have to see their faces when they hear about it all. I want to see the chaos that it will provoke.

"My uncle killed my father"

I really hope it's not just all here.

"He killed my father and married my mother"

It's interesting yes, but I need something more. A brother who kills his sibling isn't really what I was expecting. Even if that person than marries his own sister in-law.

"I'm sorry" I just say.

"I saw it. It was ten years ago, I was fifteen and I remember it as if it was yesterday. He smothered a pillow on my father's head in his sleep. I was not particularly attached to my father, truth is that I hardly knew him. He was never at home: always working and doing...other things"

Other things... probably affairs.

"And yes my mother and my uncle have always been in love, so when dad was out-of-the-way they married. None of them was sad about it, and I can't hate them. I can't hate them because it is not their fault, they lived this way for sixteen years and would have continued so. I can't hate them because it was not their choice... because... because"

"Darling you can tell me, it's fine"

"Because Snow wanted it. Snow wanted to get rid of my father and instructed his death. I guess he instructed my uncle because he was the person who would have gained most by it. My father was the President's assistant, his right hand. But forget about my father: the scene is so much bigger."

Wait. What?

"Have you ever noticed that Snow's right hands disappear every couple of years? No, you couldn't. And even I noticed it only because of my father. The official version is that they are sent to the Districts to control them for him. But no one ever comes back"

Not coming back doesn't mean that they die, they could just remain there for the rest of their lives. Especially if they gain high places in command. And not showing up in public doesn't really indicate something: there are a lot of jobs that don't require an interaction with the citizens, in particular in the poorest districts. Beside the people in Panem don't matter anymore, their opinions don't count, they don't have nothing to say regarding the ruling of the world.

Wait, this happens also in the Capitol, because in the end all the decisions are made by Snow. It's not hard to imagine that all of politics is just fake. And knowing that Snow does everything in his power to keep his position, it's no wonder if he actually pays the members of politics to just act as if they actually participate in the ruling of Panem.

That's it: our entire world is just an act. An act that soon will come to its end. The curtains will fall and something new, something better will begin.

"I am aware that it doesn't mean anything. Them not coming back. But it means something when I say that they never go away. They never leave The Capitol"

"How can you be so sure?" I say with nonchalance, trying to hide the rising interest I feel for this subject. Finnick Odair must never seem to interested in this secrets. This must be only whispers that soon will be forgotten or otherwise suspects will rise.

"Because I checked, there are records for everything: entrances ,exits, money that is spent. Who goes where, with whom. We are all constantly monitored, the entire Capitol is."

This isn't something new, even in the Districts there are cameras everywhere. There is no privacy, our lives are under control. We have one advantage: Beetee Latier, one of District three's victors, localized them for us and he made sure there were none in our houses. Now thanks to him we know the safe spots where we can be alone without being watched.

"And the records are kept in an archive. And I know the guy who works there... Well I know what he likes, and after a few encounters and a lot of persuasion he showed me how it worked. And guess what?"

"There were no files"

"Exactly, precisely. There are absolutely no records about Snow's allies leaving the Capitol and moving to the Districts. There are no records about them at all. Except their houses being sold and train tickets bought. But they never take that train, or if they do they never reach the destination because all those men never arrived to the end of the journey"

It's not difficult to hide a corpse: one has only to pay the right persons. And a lot of people are eager to do a lot of things for money. Let alone the fact that it is the President himself to ask for the favor.

I can imagine it: men called for a special reunion and then dragged away. Men poisoned at a banquet. Men pulled out of a train and left alone in the middle of nowhere. The choices are infinite.

Come on, we are talking about a nation who every year sends twenty-four kids in a slaughter, finding new ways to kill them with traps or mutts. Compared to that: making one man every couple of years disappear isn't really that difficult. There is also the advantage that the Capitol citizens don't question a certain kind of things: they can't see further than there own nose and yes, they are only interested in frivolous things. Who should really care about people leaving? No one. That is the plain truth.

"He doesn't want them to become to powerful"

If someone works in close contact with Snow he can find out too many things and gain even more power. Blackmail happens a lot. I'm not so sure that there are some who could actually have the guts to blackmail the President but there are lots of ways to eliminate someone. Let us suppose that he switches the antidote for the poison with even more poison, or something like that?

No it would never work... the President isn't that stupid. Still, the power that his collaborators have is enormous.

"That's what I thought. My little research only stated it as the truth"

This is even more interesting than I thought.

"Now tell me: does the famous Finnick Odair have any secrets?"

Oh yes, but I am not going to tell anyone. I have to big secrets: the first one is only half a secret, since she already knows about it, and it's the entire prostitution matter, the second one lives next door. The second one is the truth about where my heart lies.

Annie.

My Annie.

My love.

"No, I don't have secrets"

"Everyone has secrets, one has only to find out" replies Silver Lux matter of factly.

Where? In an archive? By asking a one night lover?

I am not worried. Not in the least because she can't find out about this one. There are only a few people who know about Annie and none of them will ever come in interaction with her. There are me, Annie and Mags. Then there is Snow, but in the last four years he made sure the whole romance was well hidden, and he will not be the one to let the secret out: he would lose too much as he kindly reminded me not a long time ago. Then there are the people in the highest places in the rebellion like Plutarch Heavensbee: they know because the first thing I made sure of was that if I joined them but they had to promise that the most important thing was to keep Annie safe. Whatever happened or will happen they have to make sure that she is fine.

"There is nothing to find out darling"

"Not even a secret lover, someone special in your heart?"

Gosh! Why doesn't she just drop the matter?

"Not even that. Never found a woman with whom I fell in love with right away"

Only one who crept up upon me very slowly occupying my heart and my thoughts entirely, who changed my life drastically and changed me in a far more better person than I was.

"What a pity, I really would have wanted to know a secret from you"

The matter drops here and after a while we fall asleep.

I dream of Annie. I dream that she is sold in the Capitol and there is nothing I can do. I am completely powerless as she calls out for my name over and over again asking to be helped, to be saved. But I can't reach her even if it's the thing I want to do most.

_Finnick!_ I hear her scream and then I wake up in a sea of sweat.

_Finnick! _

I hear it again, an echo of my nightmare maybe?

It seems real but I am not sure.

"Annie's fine. Annie's fine. Annie's fine" I keep whispering it like a mantra, trying to calm myself. She is not on the Capitol, she is here in District four safe and sound. She must be.

"You OK?"

"Yes yes I am fine. It was nothing"

Another scream echoes through the night, once more I'm not sure if I imagined it or not.

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"Nothing. I just though... Nothing. Go back to sleep, I will soon be back."

I put on my pajama trousers and go downstairs to the kitchen, filling a glass of water. I lean myself on the counter and try to steady my breathing.

It wasn't Annie's scream. You only made it up. There is nothing to worry about.

_All alone and still I hear you crying._

"There was no scream at all" I try to reassure myself "You are only making things up Odair"

Then why can't I lose the feeling that all of this happened for real?


End file.
